i just realised how childish and selfish i have been in the past year over the whole issue of you leaving. i am only an eighteen (then i was seventeen) year old girl and i guess all i thought about was me and the family. mainly me. and the whole issue of you, leaving me. leaving us.

you're already mature and wise enough to make the decision to leave. perhaps it was for selfish reasons (or rather in my selfish point of view.).. but i guess you had your own reasons. reasons that i havent been able to face, and accept. perhaps its because i grew up being the youngest. and ive always had things going my way. so when i knew that you were leaving, i couldnt accept the fact. at the back of my mind, ive always wished that one day before xmas03, you will realise what a mistake you've made.. but then again, i am calling this a mistake in my point of view. what do i know, yes?

i should have seen it coming. when you shifted out back in 2000. all the time i had with you then was birthday dinners. mainly in july (mom's and jie's.) and december (dad's and mine.).. also not forgetting mother's day dinner. the rest of the time i had with you was during my march/june/sept/dec holidays when you will bring me out to town.. because of the amount of time not spent with me, you pampered me whenever you bring me out. buying things for me.. etc etc. you were somehow always there because you would be the first (okay, maybe second.. after jie) person i would call whenever something happened at home. and you are still there for me even though you're far away in newyork. (most of the time) you will answer the phone and assure me things are gonna be okay. even though things arent really gonna be okay. and things arent okay yet. (yet, because i like to live in hope)

now, all i can say is.. i wish you joy in newyork. count your blessings. as long as you're happy. we all miss you dearly over here in singapore. and i really hope that you will be back for chinese new year. never will i pass a family event and not think of you. never will i not remember you. remember that. i will remember you as the one who created such fantastic posters. i will remember you as the one who used to bring me down for walks. i will remember you as the one who gave me pep talks when i get into trouble, only to result in me laughing and crying at the same time. i will remember you for asking me countless times.. so girl, lesbian yet? i will remember you for countless shopping trips you brought me to. i will remember you for telling me that wearing giordano clothes will give me rashes and wearing reef slippers will give me blisters. i will remember the walks to eastcoast and you laughing at me over all the things i do. i will remember you for being you. cos i love you and you've been so patient, loving and giving towards me in the past 18 years and 13 days.